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Weirdest dating site profiles

Who could resist the heap of lying douchebaggary that this profile presents? Cause that’s Jake, baby -- as smooth and laid-back as they come. A picture really does say 1,000 words and in this case, all of those words are “whaaaaaaat? What in the name of a hot mess do we have going on here?Then he’ll kiss you because when you’re facing the wrath of your insurance company, what are you going to do? We can’t tell if you are camping or if you are living in that van.

Make no mistake, those over a certain age can take the mystery right out at first blush too. But everyone knows that religion and politics are sticky subjects to bring up before you even meet your date. It’s interesting that he’s at 94 percent “enemy” with a potential match. Show the photo that gets the boys wanting to know more, not the parody that makes it look like you don’t believe in yourself.

Case in point, this gentlemen that is SHOUTING AT YOU by typing in all caps. A profile description like this turns off suitors that may have been interested once they got to know more, and leading by “preparing for death” is a bit of a downer. A couple of years ago, a story floated around the Internet about a woman that set up a profile just so she could eat at fancy restaurants and have her date pick up the tab.

Obviously there's something to be said for making yourself stand out, but whether posting a shot of your bare bum or superimposing yourself onto a unicorn is quite the way forward remains to be seen.

Still, at least these guys and girls are making some effort.

It’s not the fact that his fiancé is tall and stately.

FINDING that special someone can be hard, which is why so many of us head to dating apps.About 80 percent of those that swipe right and put up profiles say it’s a great way to meet people, and more than 60 percent say it’s far easier than traditional methods of meeting potential mates – you know, like having to actually leave the house and be social. He’s a man of the world, as evidenced by the adult beverage and knowing smirk. If he was really thinking straight, he would have taken off his wedding ring -- unless Chuck thinks he’s just so suave that his wife won’t mind him trolling for babes?There are no shortages of tutorials, analyses, and even photo enhancement apps to make sure our online profiles show our best (if not slightly enhanced) self. Expensive clothes and a modern haircut round out his handsome looks. Or perhaps he and his wife have an understanding where their relationship is open – and after a few dates with you, he’ll actually tell his wife about their new, open marriage.You can’t have your own opinion, hobbies, likes or thoughts, and if you are normal sized? He’s got the quarter test and he’s not afraid to use it. Jake is so random and unflappable that you are assured of a good time. Yeah, candles in cars are a cause of fiery death, but that’s just how Jake rolls. If it was because he pulled them out slowly one by one, we’d believe it.How is it even possible that this pensive Romeo is single at 39? He’s also going to kiss you on the first date because that’s what random Jake does. He demonstrates a remarkable lack of concern for your safety by romantically putting candles in his Kia. Thoughtful Jake will take you to where you want to eat (Check him out, hungry Rachel) but he won’t extinguish those candles in the car. Because when the car bursts into flames, he’s gonna make you s’mores. Between the shootin’ and the of toothin’, this guy gets a wide berth.While most people present a pretty picture of their true nature, some people take it a little too far. It’s common for married men to show up on dating sites looking for a little fun, but few are as open about it as Chuck. Just because some ladies get a little cuckoo when they are ignored and send a tidal wave of texts doesn’t mean every girl is going to go gaga when you are too busy to text back -- except for Rose. The cute, freckled, girl-next-door look is ruined by two things. That screams of family issues and that can get your profile overlooked faster than promising to not murder your dates (which you think would be a good thing) or promising to save their souls (see both examples above).Honesty may be the best policy, but so is leaving a little to the imagination, and a lot to be learned by actually meeting in person. She will absolutely go insane and she’s warning you ahead of time. “I’m not down to earth at all” is about as honest as one can start a profile, and promising to show up at your house drunk and weepy in the wee hours of the morning? We get that not everyone likes the delicate flavor of tea, and perhaps even the distaste of sunshine can be acceptable (someone has to live in Alaska, after all) but not liking cider? He’s not going to ask you to meet him in at his uncle’s hunting cabin off the grid. His world, as he describes it, is magical because of all the no murdering going on. His attempt at humor points out that he hit his victims. Now let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we?It’s a good thing she has a place out of the elements; but perhaps she’s not homeless at all, just Boeheim. Again, honesty is not always the best policy because with this (terrible) profile description, we have no idea if Tom is trying to be funny or if he really is this much of a bully.Maybe she lives the wanderer’s lifestyle and likes a little mess and chaos in her life. You want to contact her so you can learn her story. If this photo is adequately depicting the personalities of these performers, they have nailed it. The worst thing about this, though, is the 70 percent match he found with someone.Perhaps we are all spoiled by the sweet, sweet stylings of , but we’re seeing a little shelf for your things on the left and a light fixture made of upcycled clothes hangers sitting jauntily off center.Okay, if Lotje is homeless, we are not going to poke fun. In a sea of dubious profiles, this one gets all the points for transparency and creativity.

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